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Bug-A-Salt

Bug-A-Salt
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 There are more than 120,000 species of flies worldwide. The house fly is the most common species, carrying over 100 different kinds of disease causing germs, such as typhoid fever, dysentery, TB, Bubonic Plague, Leprosy, to name a few. Houseflies defecate every 4-5 minutes, spreading these diseases. 

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Another charming characteristic; A fly will lay eggs on your food and vomit on it before feasting, but they are particularly attracted to pet waste. A female housefly will lay 3,000 eggs within its life span of 21 days. Fly larvae will hatch into maggots within 24 hours. The housefly’s size depends on how well the maggot was fed; the bigger the maggot, the bigger the fly. Houseflies tend to stay within 1-2 miles of where they were born, but will travel up to 20 miles to find food. If a house fly spots a group of flies, he will join them creating a gang of flies. These disease carrying gangs and their maggot counterparts must be exterminated at all costs. We the people must join forces to combat these $h*t breeding motherfu*ker$!

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Musca domestica, is a fly of the suborder Cyclorrhapha. It is the most common of all domestic flies, accounting for about 91% of all flies in human habitations, and indeed one of the most widely distributed insects, found all over the world. It is considered a pest that can carry serious diseases. House flies are capable of carrying over 100 pathogens, such as those causing typhoid, cholera, salmonellosis, bacillary dysentery, tuberculosis, anthrax, ophthalmia, and parasitic worms. Some strains have become immune to most common insecticides.

House flies feed on liquid or semiliquid substances beside solid material which has been softened by saliva or vomit. Because of their large intake of food, they deposit feces constantly, one of the factors that makes the insect a dangerous carrier of pathogens. 

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My wife has a serious aversion to indoor insects and houseflies in particular. I came across an item online called Bug-A-Salt and bought her a pair because she is a notoriously poor shot with a flyswatter. Houseflies laugh at her efforts.

They arrived, and I presented them. She sort of sniffed and glanced at them briefly. Any idea originating with a HUSBAND of course can’t amount to much as all wives are aware.

But over the fourth of July, she tasked me with smoking a couple of pork shoulders. There is something about cooking pork that is PARTICULARLY attractive to house flies and I’ve had some real Alfred Hitchcock moments while doing pork of any kind. So I loaded up the Bug-A-Salts and set them by the grill. What happened next is best described in my testimonial letter to the inventor.

Lorenzo Maggiore. You are a freakin genius.

I own a Tesla Model S, an Apple iPhone 6+, and a MacPro loaded. But my nomination for the greatest single invention of the 21st century is already in – the bug-a-salt 2.0.

This fourth of July I put on two pork shoulders – one in a big green egg and the other in a Weber kettle. I don’t know if you are aware of the affinity houseflies have for cooking pork, but it is an Alfred Hitchcock experience. They can show up in the millions just over one piece of roasting pork.

This time I was ready. I had my camo laid out right next to my big yellow 2.0. As the pork began to sizzle, I could hear the drone from miles away. They came in low over the horizon, from the south, and the sky darkened with their approach and the low hum of two brazillion houseflies flying in formation.

As they started their initial run, I was weak in the knees. What could one man do against such a multitude. The odds were impossible. I was outnumbered, outmanned and surrounded – but NOT outgunned as it turned out. And I was seething with resentment and a slow burning anger right through my gut. They may get me. But by God I’m taking a bunch straight to hell with me.

To my amazement, after four hours of thunderous noise and battle I cannot describe and still wake trembling at the thought of, I stood bloody and exhausted, my barbecue bib in shreds, splattered from head to toe. Winded, wounded, and barely alive. But by some miracle, I had survived.

The scattered bodies of 2 Brazillian houseflies littered the front porch and driveway to a depth of 16 inches. Their carcasses slowly drying in the afternoon sun. A few little housefly legs, pointed skyward, still twitched occasionally. A low sobbing wail of the dying last wounded. And yes, a few survivors furtively scurried away, but were unable to gain flight as their wings were shredded to tatters. Those would face a long painful walk home.

They say now we are legend. Houseflies making four mile long detours to fly around – but never over – our location. The word is out. The massacre at Cape Girardeau will never be forgotten by houseflies for generations. So about six or seven weeks I figure.

I would like to special order a 6061 aluminum version, engraved, with mother of pearl handles and genuine rubber o-rings. I don’t care what it costs. I want it to read DIE YOU MOTHERLESS BITCH DIE on the barrel.

I would predict the common housefly will be on the endangered and protected species list within three years. In the meantime, I’m spending my evenings siting in my yellow 2.0 specifically for mosquitoes. 

I’ve got a twenty year old deal with the deer. If they don’t start any shit, there won’t be any. But you can’t negotiate with a housefly.

And while Colt may have won the west, and Springfield won the war, Lorrenzo Maggiore’s name will go down in history as the man who freed the barbecue forever.

You are my hero dude.

Jack Rickard

Two days after we were sitting in the dining room. My wife got up and went into the kitchen. I heard the usual screech. But this time she came running out into the haul, grabbed the bug-a-salt, cinched up her depends, and went back in. We heard ten or twelve shots in rapid succession. But finally she got him – a lone housefly that had dared enter her domain. She was hooked.

The bug-a-salt is a very high quality assault weapon that looks like a nerf gun but made of better and heavier plastic. A small bowl in the front holds about an ounce of Morton’s Table Salt – when it rains it pours. This is good for about 50 shots. So ammunition is very inexpensive.
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The gun shoots a tiny 1/2 gram of salt with each shot – air driven and like a shotgun blast. It’s good for about 4 feet but best at two feet. It throws out a shotgun pattern PERFECTLY suited to killing house flies. I would expect overkill and splatting fly guts everywhere. But it is not. It is perfectly designed to purpose. The salt grains are about bullet size to a fly. It shreds their wings, breaks there legs, and often kills them immediately. But it doesn’t blow them up and splatter fly scat all over everything. More likely, the air blows them OFF your food and onto the floor. Typically you get to enjoy the view of them on their backs, legs twitching in agony, little housefly screams of agony, etc. Occasionally I’l wing one. But they fly in a dizzy spiral down to the floor and the mercy shot is always good.

And hit or miss, it really doesnt’ make a mess. The amount of salt so small, and so widely scattered, it’s unnoticeable. So you get some on your food. Who cares? A tiny bit saltier. Unnoticeable really.

Flies seem to SEE you coming with a flyswatter. They don’t see this coming at all. They are sitting there, smuggly vomiting and shitting all over your Kentucky Fried Chicken, knowing you can’t touch them. Cock. Bang. Well, maybe not. It’s beyond a bad hair day in flyville. They just do not catch on to this. It’s like shooting fish in a barrel.
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I no longer have any desire to get rid of flies. Indeed, I want MORE of them. This quickly became the greatest indoor game sport of all time. You don’t need a permit, or a tag. There is no limit on them. Nobody cares how many you kill. No rangers. No game wardens. No tents. No campfires. Hell you can stop anytime you like, sit down in front of the big screen, take a nap, and get up refreshed and go bag another 80 or so flies. Nobody is going to eat them. So you don’t have to clean them. You don’t grind them up. You don’t make sausage out of them. You don’t have to gut them and carry them back to camp. They don’t have fleas. They don’t even have fur in the usual sense. You don’t have to wear camo. Climb trees. Ford streams. Any of that. Unlimited targets all in airconditioned comfort with a beer in your off hand.

IT’S THE GREATEST HUNTING EXPERIENCE IN THE WORLD. Leave Cecil the lion be. Trust me, if you go to Africa and go see a lion, you will have enormously MORE fun shooting the flies off of him than you ever will shooting the lion. It just doesnt’ get any better than this.

Lorrenzo Maggiore is ostensibly an artist and surfer out in California. Meaning an unemployed beach bum who never could hold a job. But he’s done a remarkable thing in designing this bug-a-salt gun. I think it’s high art. Perfect design-to-purpose. 

I would predict that within three years Musca domestica will be added to the endangered species list. This sport is TOO much fun. It may even wind up a protected species. Can you imagine? A $10,000 federal fine for killing a housefly? It’s coming.

 
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Price: $45.95

 
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